- How you are now is simply how you are now. It's a pencil sketch of a moment in time, not a portrait in oil and gilded frame.
- hard work matters, challenge and failure are the best ways to learn and improve
- Ask questions from a place of curiosity, rather than emotions or fear
Feedback is really three different things, with different purposes.
- Appreciation: motivates and encourages
- Coaching: helps increase knowledge, skill, capability, growth, or raises feelings in the relationship
- Evaluation: tells you where you stand, aligns expectations, and informs decision making
We need all three, but often talk cross-purposes. Evaluation is the loudest and can drown out the other two. (all coaching includes a bit of evaluation)
Be thoughtful about what you need and what you're being offered, and get aligned.
Spot the label so you can ask for better feedback.
i.e. if someone says be more affectionate - that is a label. What does it actually mean?
- hold hands in public?
- be more playful and cuddly?
- tell me you love me at least once a decade
Look for what is under the label.
Feedback has a looking-back component: here's what I noticed, and a looking-forward component: here's what you need to do.
Be specific about (or ask for specifics about):
1. where the feedback is coming from (data --> interpretation)
2. where the feedback is going (Label --> advice/consequence)
Shift wrong wrong spotting - to different spotting.
-we have different data, and
- we interpret data differently